The Gaylord of The Star Whores
by NewStephanieMeyer
Summary: *insert ridiculously vague summary like all those other epic adventure books have*


Hi. Names Bondings, Jack Bondings. I wanna start my saying that this isn't a star wars story because those suck and I hate them. You might think I'm an ordinary guy but I'm not. I'm better. I'm cool, popular, hot, sexy, bilingual, bi-racial, cultured, literate, kind, talented, spelling bee champion, and I have super awesome powers. I have the power to reveal gay people. Yes, shocking, but also interesting and cool. I can tell you're already intrigued by me and wish to know more about me.

I was at a club with my friends when a fat girl walked by. "gah!" I squealed, but a manly kind of squeal. A squeal that gets womens hearts pumping. Then I took out my 10 pound sward (which I hold easily because of all the weights I lift) and killed her. "Jack what did you do?' my friends exclaimed, obviously pushing to know more about the mystery that is jack bondings. I squinted my eyes real tight and looked at them real serious and said, "she knew too much". They were silenced in awe. Really I just killed her because she was fat. After that the hottest girl in the room came up to me and moaned "I love you", then proceeded to tickle my ear cells by licking them. I sighed and backhanded her.  
>in a really husky, sexy voice I said, "I need a sandwich. GET ME A SANDWICH DAMMIT" and chopped off my own hand. I proceeded to hold up my bleeding arm and scream like a hermaphrodite while looking back and forth between my bravely bleeding hand and her sexily shocked face. She did not deserve to live so I killed her. "I will always love you" I huffed huskily, almost a growl. A sexy growl. My hand grew back because I told it to. My body is Intimidated by me. a fan ran up and touched my arm,<p>

So I proceeded to tenderly push my dagger into their guts and draw a circle of salt around myself while snapping my teeth at them. I'm also part wolf, you see. Then I put on my tribal crown and started dancing in cicles chanting, "gobble gobble, gibble gobble, you're one of us now, one of us". A girl looked at me strangely while dialing 911, which I only took to mean, "I love you. Why am I not good enough for you, I was abused as a child which makes for great character development and will play hard to get but eventually in chapter 7 we will get together in a prose filled scene." I proceeded to get tired of writing and saved the world. Then I kicked a puppy. The puppy started growing bigger and bigger until… (to be continued)

Hi, me again. Jack Bondings. THE Jack Bondings. Fierce.

Not much has happened since we left off. Actually nothing has happened, since nothing has been written, dumb idiots. Anyway, back to the life of me, Jack. Jack Bondings. I mean Bondings, Jack Bondings.

The dog grew larger and larger until finally, it….LOLJK it just fell over and didn't move.

"What time is it?" I bellowed at the bartender. He was a short, stout man with poop eyes. They were like to brown circles with little black dots in them.

"It's time to think of an actual storyline," he sang.

This angered me more then I can say. I was as angry as an illegal immigrant when they are asked if they want a taco.

"It's time for you to die!" I shrieked as I tasered him to death. I looked around, finally becoming aware of my inferior surroundings, and noticed everyone looking at me.

"This man was a terrorist! And he kicked this puppy!" I pounded my hands on the bar to further prove my point, and tried to nudge the puppy to show people. It ended up being a full blown punt, which surely only impressed people further.

"Wait but I just saw you –" started a girl, but I stapled her mouth shut before she finished.

I walked away in slow motion from the girl on the floor, who had started convulsing like a chicken with its head cut off. (which it does do that, i've tested it)

All of a sudden I had a strong tingling sensation in my anus. I immediately knew this only meant one thing: There was a gay man in this room. And not just a gay man, I mean clay aiken gay.

My head spun around and around like that girl in the exorcist, trying to find the gay foe. I was as frustrated as a hacker who wrote K:/ccHJC1482/;chingchongchang instead of K:/ccHUP1482/;changchongching.

Then, as if nothing happened, which is weird because a lot happened, I spotted him. He was with this ugly skank girl, who looked kind of like Will. on drugs with kesha's nose and queen latifahs mouth and hair. I smashed a glass on a strangers head in anger at her skanky ugliness.

"Tell me, little person. Who is that man next to that thing with the lightsaber?" I demanded of the girl who had dialed 911.

"Screw you, bastard. I don't fall for your ghastly charms and good looks, which makes me a great love interest because my immunes to your awesomeness makes for a great love storyline" she moaned, spitting on my face.

I moaned. What a bitch, who I was strangely attracted to. Just like 2 hummingbirds who were also attracted to eachother.


End file.
